I started this at 11:30am. At that ungodly hour I had breakfasted, showered, dressed, played some games, checked on my grocery order, vacuumed up some big chunks of junk and did a few bits and bobs of admin work.
Phew! That's a lot for me by this time of the day, especially given that I was up around 7:30am - not having slept much last night. Not insomnia but rather overactive brain. I could not get it to shut up and shut down. My brain just went on and on...
An obsessive thought that I'm having lately is:
I'm old, I'm ill and I'm going to die soon and that's alright. But - I can't imagine being dead. Not being alive. I can't imagine not being alive.
I have a problem thinking of myself as old. It's not that I am youth obsessed, because I am most definitely not. It's that I don't understand, is that the right descriptor?, I don't understand what it is to be old. I don't look in the mirrow and see old. I don't feel old even tho this old body really doesn't function all the well.
It makes me laugh, these thoughts. I find them amusing. I find the way my minds works amusing, and sometimes confusing but usually very entertaining.
I'm listening to the sound track from Jonathan Livingston Seagull - I know it's a hokey sort of book, and maybe soppy sentimental music but I like the book and the music. Sue Me.
It's in our nature that we can't imagine our own nonexistence. It may be helpful to consider that the state of nonexistence after death is the same as the state of nonexistence before you were born. That's not really any easier to imagine, but it's something that has already happened.
ReplyDeleteYounger people always imagine that, when they get old, they'll be somehow different, almost a different person. But that doesn't happen, or it happens so gradually we aren't aware of it. I am still me, and "me" was never old before, so I shouldn't be old now.
I like to think that I've at least outgrown being productive.
Haven't got a clue in hell what you are talking about...LOL
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